Think of the perfect shoot-‘em-up computer game like Counterstrike. Think of Fallout. Think even of BioShock, if you’re into that kind of thing. Ok, self-defense against a horde of approaching zombies is nothing at all like that.
Self-defense against zombies is a tricky thing. This isn’t the movies and chances are you won’t be armed. See that cute girl in the corner with the heaving, blood-spattered bosom? Well, you’re going to have to impress her somehow, and the best way is with some clever unarmed self-defense tricks to send the undead packing.
Are you still thinking of her bosom? Pay attention! Being distracted is asking for a surprise zombie bite. Turn on those cat-like senses and become aware of your surroundings.
Position your body so that you always allow yourself the greatest number of possible exit routes should you need one. Try to maximize your own visibility while reducing how visible you are to others (in otherwise, hide and peek).
Keep aware of the items in your environment. When turning a corner, do it bit by bit, gaining just a few degrees of visibility at a time.
Your first instinct should be to run. Just get out of there, putting as much distance between you and the brain-eater as possible. That noise wasn’t the cat, it was a zombie, just run away and ask questions later.
But maybe you can’t run away.
In this case, you need to go into defend or possibly attack mode. But here’s the thing: you know how in movies, the guy always chops the zombie’s fingers off, only for the zombie to look at him as if to say, “that’s all you got?”
Well, the idea is that if you are going to strike, you had better make that strike count. Don’t subject yourself to a scrambling 20-minute chase sequence through your house by a zombie who’s getting more and more aggravated with you. Concentrate your efforts so that when you hit, you do it with all the force you can muster in a place that’ll actually hurt.
Keep alert, keep quick and don’t get too close. Strike with your hand, a makeshift weapon or a boot to the tip of the nose, the throat, the ears, the eyes or the shin bones. Zombies hate that.
You most likely won’t need any “finishing moves,” so deliver enough force to incapacitate and then get away as quickly as possible. The trunk and limbs are harder to injure and are often most defended, so avoid striking there and tiring yourself out.
Make a Fuss
Zombies aren’t the brightest, and can get startled easily if you make enough noise or generally draw attention to yourself. Would you eat a burger that was screaming for help? No? Exactly.
Get Them Off Your Tail
Running away is good; striking hard and fast when you can’t run until you can – also good. But just because you’ve managed to escape and find a bright, crowded place to run to, doesn’t mean you can relax.
Don’t go home in case you’ve been followed, and immediately call the police to let them know the zombie’s location and to report the incident.
Zombie self-defense checklist
- The best self-defense is running away. You heard it here first
- The second best is to stand your ground, minimize damage and make sure you’re getting your own in
- Don’t let the zombie take you to a second location. You’re almost certainly toast if that happens
- If you’re attacked, defend your most important bits with your least important bits: shield your head (and brain!), neck and upper chest with your arms
– 4-Part Zombie Survival Series –
- How to Hold Down the Fort During a Zombie Apocalypse
- First Aid Skills for End Times
- Defend Yourself from Zombies!
- Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse